There’s a lump in my throat I’m trying to hide. A tear I’m trying too hard to fight. Nobody can see that I’m about to burst as I’ve kept every emotion buried for so long, it’s impossible to show it to anybody now.

Some days I wanna curl into a ball and cry my heart out. No, I don't suffer from depression, and I'm not on my PMS either. It's just that. Plain and simple. I wanna curl into a ball and cry. For reasons unknown. And it never works when somebody tells me that get up, and it's all okay. You don't even know what you're crying about, and it's stupid.

It's not. Because what you don’t realize is that I’ve kept buried every single wave of emotion I’ve had for a while now and today it just needs an out. I don’t know what my breaking point was. Maybe it was the continuous rains, maybe it was not getting the cake right, or maybe it was that one “the” that I missed out while editing an article.

I did everything. I ran two extra miles on the treadmill. I hit the punching bag the hardest I could. Who am I kidding? I have the strength of a five-year-old. So, I broke a pen. I’ve never gotten that sort of satisfaction from even the best of the coffees. Breaking the cap, then the body, twisting the refill and finally, breaking that nib, and then assembling all of it back like nothing ever happened. It’s the best thing that gets me out of my anger mode since my school life.

But, I had to cry. I couldn’t control it anymore. I couldn’t tell anybody anything about it. Not even the best of my friends. They’re all away. They don’t get the suddenness and the unreasonableness of it. Heck, even I don’t. It’s just that feeling where I want to sit and stare out of my window, not read, listen to the saddest music I can think of and let it all pour out.
This is exactly when I remember everything that has gone wrong since forever. One missed dinner, one less picture, that moment of embarrassment, that party where I existed for no one. It all comes out, and unfortunately, it doesn’t go away. Because I don’t let it.

The tears have stopped. Time plays in my earphones at the highest volume. Words still shiver through my fingers. I can’t enjoy these rains till tomorrow morning. The lump in my throat still exists. But I’ve said everything that I wanted to because no one else would listen. I need some water.

Image Courtesy: