This article is a part of the series 'Your Cat Gives Relationship Advice'. You can check out its first part here: Part 1

Disclaimer My friend recently broke up with his long-time girlfriend, and I dropped by at his place to see how he's doing. So, it happened again, now his cat had her way with my Laptop. I swear I didn't write this, she did. Please Don't kill me. Also, the cat doesn't know how to attach pictures

I'm Pissed

Okay, so this is the third time in this week that you’re serving me silly cat food, and I can’t take it anymore. I come from an elite feline family okay! Where’s my salmon? Fine. I scratched the new chick on the face, but she didn’t rub my belly either. She deserved that. And you’re a doofus to make a human like that your friend type thing. Ew.

I Miss Her

Where is the other sweet one? Oh, right! You broke up with her! Do you know what I’m going through? Your hands just don’t cut it anymore! I’m hooked on to the good stuff. And by the way, what the fuck was your problem with her? Nagging, right?

Why You Broke Up With Her

I sympathize, and I understand that “oh my God! Somebody helped me become a better person! What a bitch!” Asshole! Yes offense!

Who do you think you are, anyway? A “stud”. I remember the exact year the “cool dude” happened. Because I’m not an idiot dog, I live longer, and I remember your trash just like I’ll remember this food. Buy new cushions tomorrow. So, “stud”, you know you looked like a pussy in that earring, don’t you?

And don't even get me started on the "abs" phase. I saw those 6 buttons all over the internet, and when those stupid humans called girls texted, you played nice. So, no! Don't give me that vibe of a cool guy, because you're just a puss in boots. Which reminds me, those boots suck too!

Why You're a Doofus

All she wanted you to do was not fuck up your lungs and liver because nobody wants a pussy with cancer. Very soft blanket like weird love, but whatever. You went ahead and showed her all the love on the web, for everyone to see. But she cared for the parts nobody else could. You really are a doofus.

Her friends take your side, because you seem saner to them but guess who drove her lap to insanity. You broke her heart and took away the only thing that could mend it. I’m talking about me. Also, you took away her stupid friends things. In fact, Nito is a better friend of yours even though she was the one who introduced you two! Nito is nice, though. Got me salmon twice, which you still haven’t. And she was the human incarnation of a white cat. Asshole, again. Yes offense!

The Car Though

Getting attention is my nature. But what has your car given to you that she hasn't? The car certainly gets more attention than the two of us. You wash that thing every two days. And I clearly don't remember the last time you became a silly pup for her.

Belly Rubs

You thought she was clingy but look at this chick. Hasn’t rubbed my belly for once. I know it’s not related but do the math. I know you suck at it but do it anyway. She is here all the time, and not even once. Not once! Rub it for Tiger’s sake! Just rub it!

You know what, I’ve had enough of you. We need to stop doing this. I think other people should feed me. I’m leaving with Nito after this.

Open that salmon!!!